Lying

Intentional misrepresentation of reality.

Lying is an intentional misrepresentation of reality, as distinguished from the innocent fantasy common to preschoolers whose notion of truth and falsehood has yet to develop clearly.

Very young children do not understand the difference between truth and falsehood. Preschoolers often engage in wishful thinking, fantasy, and the embellishment of reality with no intention of deliberate deceit. Children as young as five years old may recognize different types of lies and their relative severity, but it is not until about age seven that most children learn the basic meaning of honesty. At that point, lying becomes intentional.

Children lie for a variety of reasons. Rather than focus on the lie as the primary problem, adult caregivers should instead try to determine the reason(s) for the lie. It is important for adults to remember that in nearly every case children lie to save face, not to show disrespect for the adult. Children with low self-esteem will often embellish the truth, or fabricate completely false stories, in order to boost their image in their own eyes and others'. If a child believes that his or her self is "bad" or "worthless," he or she will create a false self to cover up the truth. False selves require a great deal of lying to maintain. Shame-filled children will lie when caught in wrongdoing, whether accidental or purposeful, to avoid the shame of exposure. Children will also lie simply to dissociate themselves from something painful or to avoid punishment.

Lying also results from a child's frustration with certain rules imposed by adults. If a parent requires that homework be done before a child can go out to play, the child may lie about completing the homework in order to circumvent a frustrating rule. Children may simply not like certain rules, or they may not accept the adults' right to set the rules. They therefore break the rules, then lie to avoid facing the consequences, or to avoid being caught so they can continue to break the rules. When a child lies to evade adult-imposed rules, it is necessary for the adult(s) to discuss the rules with the child and negotiate a mutually acceptable settlement. Children are much more likely to follow negotiated rules than imposed ones. This is particularly important with older children and teens.

If lying is not addressed at all, children will not develop a clear sense of truth and falsehood, nor an understanding of the importance of honesty in personal and social relationships. Children's natural sense of right and wrong will eventually be deadened if they do not receive consistently appropriate cues from the adults in their lives. When adults ignore lying, or even reward it by allowing children to get what they want by lying, children can become desensitized to their guilt. A child with a desensitized conscience may grow into an adult with little self-control.

It is extremely difficult for adults to teach children the importance of honesty when those adults frequently lie themselves. Children learn more through modeling than through any other form of instruction. If parents and teachers regularly engage in lying, whether "half-truths," "white lies," or out-and-out deceptions, children will learn that lying is acceptable, no matter what adults say. In today's climate of dishonest politics and corrupt religious leaders, many children grow up with a contempt for talk of "honesty" by adults. They see the same politicians who promote a return to traditional values like honesty indicted for lying on their tax returns or to a congressional investigation committee. Less blatant forms of lying, such as misleading campaign advertisements and partisan propaganda, are a common and even integral part of politics the world over. Highly visible religious leaders who preach fidelity and honesty are caught embezzling funds or hiring prostitutes.

Books

Ford, Charles V. Lies! The Psychology of Deceit. Washington, DC: American Psychiatric Press, 1996.

Kurtines, William M, and Jacob L. Gewirtz. Moral Develpment: An Introduction. Boston: Allyn and Bacon, 1995.

Schulman, Michael, and Eva Mekler. Bringing Up a Moral Child: A New Approach for Teaching Your Child to Be Kind, Just, and Responsible. New York: Doubleday, 1994.

Sears, William, M.D. The Discipline Book: Everything You Need to Know to Have a Better-Behaved Child —From Birth to Age 10. 1st ed. Boston: Little, Brown and Co., 1995.

Wyckoff, Jerry. How to Discipline Your Six-to-Twelve Year Old: Without Losing Your Mind. 1st ed. New York: Doubleday, 1991.

Lying

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