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Self-Esteem

Considered an important component of emotional health, self-esteem encompasses both self-confidence and self-acceptance.

Experiences at home, at school, and with peers can all build or diminish a child's self-esteem. Psychologists and child-care authorities who write about self-esteem generally discuss it in terms of two key components: the feeling of being loved and accepted by others and a sense of competence and mastery in performing tasks and solving problems independently.

The value placed on self-esteem by the mental health profession over the past 30 years has been critiqued by psychologist Martin Seligman. Seligman claims in order for children to feel good about themselves, they must feel that they are able to do things well. He claims that trying to shield children from feelings of sadness, frustration, and anxiety when they fail robs them of the motivation to persist in difficult tasks until they succeed. It is precisely such success in the face of difficulties that can truly make them feel good about themselves. Seligman believes that this attempt to cushion children against unpleasant emotions is in large part responsible for an increase in the prevalence of depression since the 1950s, an increase that he associates with a conditioned sense of helplessness.

Like Seligman, pediatrician and child-care expert T. Berry Brazelton emphasizes that children develop self-esteem through the sense of competence and mastery that comes from tackling and triumphing over challenges, even modest ones. He believes that parents can boost children's self-esteem even in infancy by giving them an active and autonomous role in casual play. As infants and toddlers advance to self-care activities, such as beginning to feed themselves, Brazelton encourages parents to let children complete tasks for themselves, however imperfectly, rather than jumping in and providing help. For example, he suggests allowing children to pick up small bits of food at the age of eight months even if they drop some, and letting them hold their own bottles at 12 months. Like Seligman, Brazelton emphasizes the value of leaving a child to work through a problem for herself, trying out different approaches to a task until she succeeds. For a child accustomed to learning by trial and error, frustration can serve as a source of motivation and energy rather than an obstacle. Brazelton also emphasizes the importance of encouraging the child in her endeavors and providing positive reinforcement when a goal is achieved.

In spite of his emphasis on the development of competence, Brazelton does advise parents to address their children in a positive way to reinforce feelings of love and acceptance. Among the harmful negative examples he points out are belittling comparisons with siblings ("Why can't you be more like your brother?") and threats of abandonment ("If you don't stop that right now, I'm leaving you here!"). Various experts have noted that when parental communication is consistently delivered in a negative style it becomes internalized, and children start to practice negative "self-talk," generating their own negative messages. In addition to their verbal communication style, parents also express acceptance and affirmation by showing physical affection and being good listeners, which makes children feel important and cared about.

Social critics have pointed out that it can be more difficult for children in the United States and other modern industrialized nations to achieve a sense of competence than it was for their counterparts in earlier historical periods. Children in the past, or in modern developing countries, participated actively in the economic life of the community, helping their families by doing some of the same jobs performed by adults. Today's children, especially in urban areas, perform little "useful" work and thus have few opportunities to master tasks that contribute to the welfare of their families and the community as a whole. In addition, their competence at the tasks that are demanded of them is continually challenged by competition in school, athletics, and other areas.

Self-esteem comes from different sources for children at different stages of development. The development of self-esteem in young children is heavily influenced by parental attitudes and behavior. Supportive parental behavior, including the encouragement and praise of mastery, as well as the child's internalization of the parents' own attitudes toward success and failure, are the most powerful factors in the development of self-esteem in early childhood. Later, older children's experiences outside the home—in school and with peers—become increasingly important in determining their self-esteem. Schools can influence their students' self-esteem through the attitudes they foster toward competition and diversity and their recognition of achievement in academics, sports, and the arts. By middle childhood, friendships have assumed a pivotal role in a child's life. Studies have shown that school-age youngsters spend more time with their friends than they spend doing homework, watching television, or playing alone. In addition, the amount of time they interact with their parents is greatly reduced from when they were younger. At this stage, social acceptance by a child's peer group plays a major role in developing and maintaining self-esteem.

The physical and emotional changes that take place in adolescence, especially early adolescence, present new challenges to a child's self-esteem. Boys whose growth spurt comes late compare themselves with peers who have matured early and seem more athletic, masculine, and confident. In contrast, early physical maturation can be embarrassing for girls, who feel gawky and self-conscious in their newly developed bodies. Both boys and girls expend inordinate amounts of time and energy on personal grooming, spending long periods of time in the bathroom until they have achieved the kind of look they want. Fitting in with their peers becomes more important than ever to their self-esteem, and, in later adolescence, relationships with the opposite sex can become a major source of confidence or insecurity. Up to a certain point, adolescents need to gain a sense of competence by making and learning from their own mistakes and by being held accountable for their own actions.

For Further Study

Books

Anderson, Eugene, George Redman, and Charlotte Rogers. Self-Esteem for Tots to Teens: Five Principles for Raising Confident Children. New York: Simon and Schuster, 1984.

Clark, Aminah, Harris Ciernes, and Reynold Bean. How to Raise Teenagers' Self-Esteem. San Jose: Price/Stein/Sloan Publishing, 1985.

Gillett, Richard. Change Your Mind, Change Your World: A Practical Guide to Turning Limiting Beliefs into Positive Realities. New York: Simon & Schuster, 1992.

Hart, Louise. The Winning Family: Increasing Self-Esteem in Your Children. Berkeley: Celestial Arts, 1993.

Kutner, Lawrence. Parent and Child: Getting through to Each Other. New York: Morrow, 1991.

Leman, Kevin. Bringing Up Kids Without Tearing Them Down. New York: Delacorte Press, 1993.

Seligman, Martin E. P. The Optimistic Child. Boston: Houghton Mifflin Co., 1995.

Smith, Manuel. Yes, I Can Say No: A Parent's Guide to Assertiveness Training for Children. New York: Arbor House, 1986.

Periodicals

Lazarus, A. A. "On Assertive Behavior: A Brief Note." Behavior Therapy 4, 1973, pp. 697-99.

Leonard, Rosemary. " 'I'm Just A Girl Who Can't Say "No" ': A Gender Difference in Children's Perception of Refusals." Feminism and Psychology 5, August 1995, pp. 315-28.

Audiovisual Recordings

Allert, Adrienne. Rearing Secure Children: Are You Building Your Children's Self-Esteem? Skokie, IL: Parents Resource Network, 1988.