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The Virtues of a Cucumber


I keep getting asked about the poster in my bathroom ("Why
A Cucumber Is Better Than A Man"). Then I noticed this book
on sale: Cucumbers are Better than Men Because.. I give up.
Here's some of the distilled wisdom on cucumbers (phrasing
has been changed to protect against copyright
infringement). Cucumbers will stay hard for more than a
week. A cucumber is usually at least six inches long.
Cucumbers don't tell you size doesn't count. Cucumbers
aren't jealous of your gynecologist, hair dresser, or
tennis instructor. A cucumber won't ask about your previous
lover, or speculate about the next. A cucumber won't make a
scene because there are other cucumbers in the fridge. A
cucumber won't proposition your best friend. A cucumber
doesn't want to improve your mind. A cucumber doesn't care
if you don't shave your legs. A cucumber won't bug you
about losing weight or going to exercise class. A cucumber
can stay up all night. With a cucumber, you don't have to
sleep on the wet spot. Cucumbers can't carry a cold or the
clap -- they grow their own penicillin. A cucumber won't
tell you a vasectomy will ruin it for him. A cucumber won't
tell you he had a vasectomy when he really didn't. A
cucumber won't use your toothbrush, deodorant, or hair
spray. A cucumber doesn't leave hair in your sink or a ring
in your bathtub. A cucumber won't serve to your backhand.
Cucumbers grow in "it"; they aren't full of it. A cucumber
will always respect you in the morning. With a cucumber,
you'll never find used jogging shorts in your lingerie. A
cucumber doesn't expect you to do his laundry. A cucumber
never asks your age. No matter how old you are, you can
always get a fresh cucumber. You can fondle a cucumber in
the supermarket, and know how firm it is before you take it
home. A cucumber will never give you a hickey. A cucumber
can get away any weekend. With a cucumber, you don't have
to check in as "Mrs. Cucumber." You can go to the movies
with a cucumber, and see the movie. A cucumber won't eat
all the popcorn and send you out for nachos. A cucumber
will always respect your privacy, and not want to do it in
unusual places. A cucumber can always wait until you get
home. Cucumbers never need a round of applause. Cucumbers
never suffer from performance anxiety. A cucumber doesn't
ask "Was I the best?" A cucumber doesn't care if you're a
virgin. With a cucumber, you don't have to be a virgin more
than once. Cucumbers don't compare notes. Cucumbers don't
have sex hangups, and aren't into chains and leather and
talking dirty. A cucumber won't make you wear kinky
clothes. You can have as many cucumbers a night as you can
handle. You can eat a cucumber whenever you feel like it. A
cucumber won't ask for a transfer just when you're in line
for a promotion. A cucumber doesn't care if you make more
money than he does. A cucumber doesn't bum cigarettes and
ask you to cook dinner. A cucumber won't switch channels
from your soaps to "All Star Wrestling." Cucumbers don't
turn your sewing room into a gym,chill their Nikes in your
fridge, or lift weights by hoisting you over their head. A
cucumber doesn't call with "I have to work tonight" and
then come home totally sloshed. A cucumber doesn't lose its
firmness when pickled.
A cucumber doesn't ask "Can we try something new?" A
cucumber doesn't have allergies to your cat. A cucumber
doesn't leave whisker burns, drool on your sheets, or fall
asleep in the middle of a conversation. Cucumbers don't ask
for breakfast in bed. A cucumber doesn't make *you* go to
the 7-11. You'll never find out later that your cucumber is
still married. A cucumber won't call you Jill when your
name is Nancy. A cucumber doesn't expect you to play
Florence nightingale. Well, I'm yet to meet a cucumber who
felt rejected because I didn't feel like eating it just


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