The Virtues of a Cucumber
I keep getting asked about the poster in my bathroom ("Why A Cucumber Is Better Than A Man"). Then I noticed this book on sale: Cucumbers are Better than Men Because.. I give up. Here's some of the distilled wisdom on cucumbers (phrasing has been changed to protect against copyright infringement). Cucumbers will stay hard for more than a week. A cucumber is usually at least six inches long. Cucumbers don't tell you size doesn't count. Cucumbers aren't jealous of your gynecologist, hair dresser, or tennis instructor. A cucumber won't ask about your previous lover, or speculate about the next. A cucumber won't make a scene because there are other cucumbers in the fridge. A cucumber won't proposition your best friend. A cucumber doesn't want to improve your mind. A cucumber doesn't care if you don't shave your legs. A cucumber won't bug you about losing weight or going to exercise class. A cucumber can stay up all night. With a cucumber, you don't have to sleep on the wet spot. Cucumbers can't carry a cold or the clap -- they grow their own penicillin. A cucumber won't tell you a vasectomy will ruin it for him. A cucumber won't tell you he had a vasectomy when he really didn't. A cucumber won't use your toothbrush, deodorant, or hair spray. A cucumber doesn't leave hair in your sink or a ring in your bathtub. A cucumber won't serve to your backhand. Cucumbers grow in "it"; they aren't full of it. A cucumber will always respect you in the morning. With a cucumber, you'll never find used jogging shorts in your lingerie. A cucumber doesn't expect you to do his laundry. A cucumber never asks your age. No matter how old you are, you can always get a fresh cucumber. You can fondle a cucumber in the supermarket, and know how firm it is before you take it home. A cucumber will never give you a hickey. A cucumber can get away any weekend. With a cucumber, you don't have to check in as "Mrs. Cucumber." You can go to the movies with a cucumber, and see the movie. A cucumber won't eat all the popcorn and send you out for nachos. A cucumber will always respect your privacy, and not want to do it in unusual places. A cucumber can always wait until you get home. Cucumbers never need a round of applause. Cucumbers never suffer from performance anxiety. A cucumber doesn't ask "Was I the best?" A cucumber doesn't care if you're a virgin. With a cucumber, you don't have to be a virgin more than once. Cucumbers don't compare notes. Cucumbers don't have sex hangups, and aren't into chains and leather and talking dirty. A cucumber won't make you wear kinky clothes. You can have as many cucumbers a night as you can handle. You can eat a cucumber whenever you feel like it. A cucumber won't ask for a transfer just when you're in line for a promotion. A cucumber doesn't care if you make more money than he does. A cucumber doesn't bum cigarettes and ask you to cook dinner. A cucumber won't switch channels from your soaps to "All Star Wrestling." Cucumbers don't turn your sewing room into a gym,chill their Nikes in your fridge, or lift weights by hoisting you over their head. A cucumber doesn't call with "I have to work tonight" and then come home totally sloshed. A cucumber doesn't lose its firmness when pickled. A cucumber doesn't ask "Can we try something new?" A cucumber doesn't have allergies to your cat. A cucumber doesn't leave whisker burns, drool on your sheets, or fall asleep in the middle of a conversation. Cucumbers don't ask for breakfast in bed. A cucumber doesn't make *you* go to the 7-11. You'll never find out later that your cucumber is still married. A cucumber won't call you Jill when your name is Nancy. A cucumber doesn't expect you to play
nightingale. Well, I'm yet to meet a cucumber who felt rejected because I didn't feel like eating it just then.